This is Part 2. Here is Part 1

Where we left off last time our widgeteer had a tough choice. From the outside looking in it’s easy to say, “just sell your widgets and be happy.” But that is easier said than done. Have you ever gotten yourself stuck in a place mentally about a certain subject, person, task, etc. and no matter how hard you try, every time you are faced with that subject, person, task, etc. you go right back to that same mental place and right back to all the emotions that come with it? I know I certainly have!

Our widgeteer basically has three choices:

1) continue on as is hoping life and the widget business somehow improve.
2) give up the widget business and the dreams that go with it.
3) find a way to be happy AND be a widgeteer.

None of these are easy choices. Let’s look at them in more detail.

Choice 1: things are probably not going to improve. I’m a big believer in the Law of Attraction. “What you think about you bring about.” If the widgeteer is constantly focused on how badly the business is going he is only going to bring more of that into his life. How much more time does he want to spend being miserable hoping for a happy ending?

Choice 2: this could certainly seem tempting. There could be a great deal of relief and freedom for our widgeteer by simply letting go. But this has been a dream of his for a long time and it’s not easy to let go of a dream. And for all the misery this widget business brings, it still brings many, many happy moments too. The widgeteer is never happier or more “at home” than when he is actually in the act of selling widgets. The misery comes from all the screwing around that goes into the planning, the set up, the travel etc. So to give up the misery also means giving up the pleasure.

Choice 3: Ah! The best choice! But also the hardest. Especially with something as important to the widgeteer as his widget business. When something is a huge part of our lives, it’s easy to develop what some people call an “emotional set point.” What that means is basically, when you are faced with a certain subject, person, task, etc, you jump right back to your set point. The best example of this is someone that you have to deal with on a regular basis. I know that I often find myself slipping right into my standard set point for a particular person.

When I have a set point, I can avoid it for a while. I can put myself in a vacuum and stay away from people, situations, etc. that trigger my set point. I can stay conscious of how I really want to feel and guard against slipping into my “usual” emotions. But all it takes is one thing in an unguarded moment and I’m right back there.

In the case of our widgeteer he could do his thing for a while and avoid the aspects of the business that cause him pain but what happens when he gets that next rejection? What happens when the roster of wigeteers for the next big widget event comes out and he’s not on it? What happens when a fellow widgeteer puts together a big widget event and he’s not included? He’ll be right back to feeling the pain of his struggle!

Maybe there’s another way. Maybe there is a hybrid choice, a combination between choice 2 and 3 that is the perfect answer. Maybe there is a way to give up the aspects of his widget business that cause pain and keep the parts that are pleasurable. More on this later!

In the case of the widgeteer, pain is caused by two things 1) comparison and 2) lack which is really only one thing: focus! If you have a dream, some deep, burning passion, chances are really good that when you are by yourself doing what you are passionate about you feel great. The trouble comes when you try to share your passion with others. If you compare yourself to others who seem to be having more success than you and constantly look at, think about, talk about how your life, career, etc. is lacking you will be miserable. If you can take your focus off of the others and off of what you think is lacking you can get back to the pleasurable parts of chasing your dream.

That brings up the most important distinction: who you are being vs. what you are doing!

The widgeteer has got it backwards. The widgeteer is focused on DOING (making and selling his widgets) and then hoping that through his DOING he will cause others to DO something (heap love and praise on him for his widgets) and then he can BE happy. It’s never going to happen!

This is going to sound pretty simple but it’s so important: you can’t be happy doing something without first being happy! If you are only focused on what you are doing and hoping that in doing that something, it will eventually bring you happiness, you’ve got it backwards!

I think when you decide to try and make a living with a passion the whole thing crumbles when you need people to behave a certain way in order for you to be happy.

It’s easy to let that happen. If you try to make your living doing something creative, writing, painting, building, sculpting, singing, etc. you need people to react in a certain way. You need enough people to like, appreciate, approve of you and/or your product in order to continue doing what you love for a living. If you don’t get those reactions from enough people you are out of business!

But it’s a slippery slope and the danger occurs when you move away from doing your passion because it’s something you love, because it’s an expression of your soul and began to do what you do for the reaction you hope to get. Once you start chasing the behavior you think you need from others the misery begins!

There is no way you can win! Part of what draws people to creative things like music, dance, art and widgets is the passion they feel coming from the individual who is creating those works. Once the creative person feels like they NEED the approval, acceptance, love, admiration, etc. from others for the work they do that passion erodes and it is replaced by a palpable desperation. This is certainly the case with our widgeteer. The widgets may still be created and built with passion but one he enters the arena of selling his widgets his passion is gone as he desperately seeks out the admiration, respect and approval that he thinks he needs to create the career and life he’s dreamed about.

The irony is that the more the widgeteer seeks this approval the more he drives away the very people he was hoping to please. He gives off a vibe and people can feel it. They can sense and feel his lack of passion. He is rarely present, he doesn’t seem to enjoy what he is doing in the moment, it seems he is always thinking of the next thing. People can sense that instead of enjoying what he is doing he is focused on the lack. The more people can feel this from him the less they offer the behavior the widgeteer needs to feel good about himself and his widget business. Thus he tries harder to please and at the same time becomes more upset and frustrated about his widgets, his business and his life.

This cycle continues and creates a downward spiral until the widgeteer wakes up one day and realizes that he has somehow turned his dream, his love, his passion into something that makes him miserable! But there is hope!

Realizing that something you do makes you miserable is the first step to figuring out why and from there you can figure out how to change it. Which brings our widgeteer back to his three choices: 1) keep going as is 2) give up or 3) find a way to be happy and keep going.

More to come!

Matt

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